Its been a long time since I've posted here. With my heath the way its been over the past year, its been hard to do anything consistently. I'm in and out of the hospital alot, and still having wound issues close to a year later. Sometimes I feel like I will never get well. I'm finally coming to the light at the end of the tunnel it feels like, though I'm not sure what will be on the other side when i get there. I guess we will just have to see what happens when it happens. Knitting is something to do that I can take with me into the hospital. It keeps my hands busy and lets me get my projects done. I knit almost the whole time I'm in there.

      I have a big yarn stash and have been going through it bit by bit, though the more I take away the more I add two it. I bought 10 skeins today for $2 each at one of the discount stores over here in Australia. The quality is lovely, 100% acrylic 8 ply. The brand is Needles. There are some little fuzzies from time to time that I have to pick out, but its soft yarn. It feels alot like homespun. This picture is what I bought today. I will get pictures of my stash up at a later date. I roll everything into balls so its gunna be a pile, but I have alot of beautiful colors. I need to get my camera back from my husband. These pictures aren't that good on the Ipod. But the blue is going into a scarf for Jon. and the other colors either socks or needle cases. The one at the bottom of the picture I got two of but have already started knitting a needle case with so I left it out.

       I have several projects that I'm working on at this time. My sock series is a fun one. I will be putting up alot of pictures of those. Ive never knitted socks before but Ive watch my mother knit them plenty over there years. She loves to knit, she says its relaxing, almost meditative. I would have to agree. Ive knitted two pairs of socks so far from a pattern I bought from VeryPink.Com. The pattern is called Learn To Knit Socks. I will post a link to VeryPink here. Her patterns are lovely, she has some free ones and some that you pay for. What I love about her patterns is that she links them to YouTube so if you don't know how to knit something you can get the information from her. Its a great learning tool. I want to work on some other sock patterns and will probably play with some of them soon, but I love this pattern and am making several pairs of them to run around the house and hospital in. They are warm and comfortable but not really good with shoes. I discovered that yesterday when I wore them out to the shops yesterday. They hurt my feet, my mother was right. They are perfect for running around the house though and keeping the feet warm so I guess that's a good thing. Here are a couple pairs Ive knitted. They are alot of fun. I like to work on several things at once though.

 

     I'm working on my own patterns as well as other things. Ive knitted several berets' for my husband and I will put up a couple of those pics as well. They are fun knits. The colors Ive used for them so far are black, red and gray. He wants a double knit scarf with a heartogram on it that I will post about later when I start working on it. The heartogram is the symbol of his favorite band HIM. It will be interesting to see how it turns out. I got a new application from Itunes that allows me to convert pictures into knitting patterns. Its made for the Ipad but it will work for the Ipod touch as well. Its called Knitting Cam and is free. I will be using that pattern to get the heartogram right. Ive tried drawing it on graph paper and it comes out odd so we will see what this program says and does about it soon.

     The beret pattern is a free download that I found on Ravely.com. I found the pattern here. I have to make a couple more of them including another gray one cause my husband says the last one I made was two small and a navy blue one for Jon. I will be making a basic scarf for Jon as well but not sure about that pattern yet. I will post it when I find the one I like. I have several projects that I want to make for my friends and family and I will be posting those as I work on them. I could put up a list of links but that is kinda boring. Its more fun for me to post the progress pics and I go along. I do take alot of pics and label them but I won't be posting all of them but I will be posting several as I go along. The colors are lovely and the fabrics are so nice when they come out. Ive even washed some of them and let them dry in the sun, with a little fabric softener. They come out very very soft.

     This post will be a bunch of ramblings with short pics and the like. I have alot of pictures and projects and not enough words to share. There is a wrap that I'm working on as well that is Entraloc. That is alot of fun to make. There are alot of little swatches that are knitted and purled individually. The stitches used are knit, purl, and slip stitch. The end result makes the fabric look basket woven. its rather lovely. I will post progress pic's at a later date as well as details. Ive modified a patter to make the wrap I'm working on, so its my own count and what not but tweaked from the original author. There are other things I'm working on as well and I will post detailed patterns and pics as we go along. Its good to be writing and I'm exciting about the things that I'm working on so we will see how things work out as we go along. I love taking pics of all my work so there will be alot of progress pics.

    



When life gives you lemons

This will be a triple post on all three of my blogs. It is a very long update so I wanted to save those that read all three of my blogs some time and frustration when you get spammed with a triple update.
It has been a very long time since I've written anything at all. And though I'm feeling the pull again I hope that it isn't as fleeting as it has been in the past. I love to write and have loved it for years. It is only in the past 8 years since my accident and all the health issues that have followed that I've really gotten away from it. Now, with life so fresh in my eyes, I want to spend some of my time doing something that I use to love.
Creativity is a part of all of us. Some more then most. I got lucky, I grew up in a very creative family. My mother use to cross stitch and make little angles and snowflakes out of thread. To this day she still makes quilts and knits. My sister is a writer like me but she loves to cross stitch as well. My brother writes and creates his own music and acts on occasion. I do a lot of everything. I write, draw, paint, do all kinds of crafty stuff depending on what mood I'm in. Or I use to till my life went crazy on me. Now its just an occasional thing.
I don't want it to be like that anymore. I want to do what I use to love to do, and do well. Life is to short and you never know when you will lose it. I came so close this last time. I don't want to take the chance again.
In 2004 I had a young man and his girlfriend run a red light doing 85 mph and crash into the car that my boyfriend was driving. The seat belt that I was wearing jerked me to the side and I hit my head on the window. We where able to pull the car into the service station close by and someone called 911. I remember my head, back and stomach hurt. I couldn't stand very well but was mostly fuzzy headed.
A woman who was a nurse at one of the hospitals in El Paso stopped and helped us till the ambulance arrived. She tried to get me to drink some water, I couldn't. The loaded me up into the ambulance and rushed me to the hospital with my boyfriend right next to me strapped to a back board as well. He ended up with whiplash. My injuries where a bit more severe.
You know how in the movies and TV series' where they wheel a patient into the ER and they have to cut their clothing off of them to get to the wounds? Well I can honestly say that I know how that feels. They had to cut my clothes off of me. I can't tell you how uncomfortable that was.
I remember them poking and prodding around on my stomach to try to find where it hurt and why. The doctor felt something weird and they pulled in an ultrasound machine and started running it over my stomach. The couldn't find my stomach and some of my other insides, which explained the terrible pain I was in. The seat belt had shoved them up threw my Dhiaphram and under my lungs. I was doped up on pain killers and relaxants and sent off to surgery.
Six hours later I woke in the most horrific pain I've been in, in my entire life. I saw my boyfriends mother and father. They had beaten my mother there, I think they grew wings and flew. It was a comfort to see familiar faces considering how I was feeling. I truly believe that I should of died that day. There are some things that I go through on the anniversary of that accident that I can't explain and make no sense that lead me to believe that I probably shouldn't of made it out of that one alive. I did though and I'm here now.
I spent two weeks in the hospital. They made me walk, I remember that. The agony was blinding and crippling. Though on the second day after the surgery I was able to sit in a chair and have something to eat. Thought it was a short sit then I wanted to be back in that bed. They gave me all kinds of medications and had me hooked up to more machines them I would of liked. Though the doctors and nurses have to do what they have to do.
The day they let me out was a weird one, it was overcast I remember that, but no rain fell. I felt like I wasn't really there, inside my body. Like my body moved on its own, I was just a passenger. I barely remember the drive back to Roswell. My mother was with me for several days before they let me out and I believe my sister was there to but I don't really remember clearly. The recovery was hard. Coming back from that was hard.
In 2006 I had to have surgery again. The stitches they had used in my '04 surgery to hold my diaphragm closed came loose and my stomach went up, rolled over, and got stuck. If I didn't have the surgery quickly my stomach could die. I was rushed to Lubbock to have the surgery. It was a crazy ambulance ride that I barely remember. Though the two people in the back of the ambulance with me, the MT's where friends of mine that use to come into the convienence store where I worked. They made the ride bearable.
My doctor was a nice man, and he got me in right away and they got me prepped. The nurse told me they would probably go in threw my side so I wouldn't have another scar running down my center. I was comforted by that, but when I woke up I couldn't figure out why my whole stomach hurt right down the center if they went threw the side. They had reopened my old incision for the surgery.
They had me on all kinds of morphine when the moved me to a room of my own. My boyfriend at the time, who became my second husband, was allowed to stay with me for a couple days. They put a cot in there for him to rest on.
Ive always been a Disney kid and always will be. Mike knew this so he left the TV on the Disney station for me most of the time for the first few days. Till I was coherent enough to change the channel myself I watched Disney movies over and over again. Alice in Wonderland was on a lot. For those that know anything about Narcotics' and morphine in perticular, they have a hallucinogenic effect. I spent several days watching the Cheshire cat run around my room and chase Dina. And the Queen of hearts tried to chop off my head in my sleep. To this day I can't watch Alice in Wonderland without remembering that.
My mom came and sat with me for a day. She had to drive all the way to Lubbock and then drive home. I remember falling asleep a couple times and waking up, she was sitting in the chair next to me knitting. I think she did that with the first surgery too. Going home was hard, the three hour drive hurt like hell, even though I was pretty well drugged up.
In 2009, I had to have another surgery. They had placed a mesh net over the hole in my diaphragm and it had come loose and was tangled in my intestines. I spent from November to February sick as a dog and in a whole lot of pain before they agreed to do the surgery. They had me in the hospital for 4 days before I went under the knife. I stayed in Carlsbad for this surgery which was nice, because my mom was close. She came to see me everyday of the two weeks that I was in there. She is my rock.
My current husband, Peter, and my previous husband, Mike, called me everyday. I really don't remember what I said to either of them or if I got them mixed up. It was a very long recovery. There where several blood transfusions with this one. I just wasn't recovering well. I was in for two weeks this time as well and they almost didn't let me go after the two weeks. I was so itching to go home. They had taken out a lot of the scar tissue from the previous two surgeries so I had one scar instead of three. Though the scar runs from my breast bone to well past my belly button.
Recently, within the past 2 months, Ive had to have yet another surgery. This one for a perforated bowl that was leaking toxins into my system for a week or so. My health deteriorated for the week that this was happening to the point where I couldn't get out of bed at all. I was so sick, I couldn't hold anything down and couldn't move I hurt so much. Pete took me to the ER, and they kept me over night while they ran tests.
Sometime in the am a man came in and told me that they found that I have a perforated bowl on the CT and that I will have to have surgery. He also told me that I'm lucky that they caught it now, any longer and I might not survive. Talk about scare me stupid right then and there. I called Pete and left a message telling him what was going on, and the quest to save my life began.
I believe I was under the knife for over eight hours. My mother was in a panic because she was so far away and because Pete didn't give her a lotof information on my condition. I remember my first conversation with her. She was using one of our friends Skype to call to Australia to see how I was doing and I got to talk to both of them. They where able to get a good feel for ow I was doing and where my health was at after that. Mother was in a panic, and understandable so. She wants me to come home to the states and live with her when I'm well again.
The nurses where nice and the doctors where caring, so the experience wasn't a bad one for being in out country. They didn't treat me any different then they would an Australian. In some ways their care is better then ours. They are more likely to stay on top of pain relief then I've noticed in the states and their care extends to the home as well. I've had nurses coming in and out of my home since I was released. I never had that in the states.
I'm so tired of going under the knife. This last one has been the worse one yet. The healing is taking forever it seems and I feel like I will never be well again. I'm down and out most of the time and very uncomfortable in my own skin. I have a colostomy bag for now, and that is an experience I wouldn't wish on another living being. I got lucky and its not permanent, as I'm only 36 and living like this for the rest of my life will definitely bring down my quality of life.
I went to see my surgeon two weeks ago and she refreshed in my mind how hard she had to fight to save my life. She was thrilled to see that I was doing so well, and coming out on top of all of this pain and healing.
After I saw her I started having severe abdominal pain again and went to my GP. He believes that I have an ulcer in my stomach that is giving me a hard time. So I'm going under again to have a scope stuck down my throat and check. We will go from there after we find out what is happening and I will have more news on that front at a later date.
I have several appointments coming up, including one tomorrow with the Stoma nurses. We will be ordering new supplies and they want to check my bag and my wound. We will see what they think of how its healing. It seems to be taking forever and its still 8 centimeters deep. I have another apt with the surgeon January 23, and we will see what she has to say. I have an appointment with a dietitian on February 17th at 10am to help manage my Derfaticulitus. There is no medication but it can be managed with special diet so we will see how that goes. I also have an apt on May 2 with a Urologist to do an exploratory and see how my intestines are healing. This one will dictate when I have my surgery to fix the stoma. I hope it will be shortly after the appointment so that I can get back to some semblance of a normal life.
All of this has made me realise how short life can be, and how quickly it can me taken from you. It has made me realise how important it is to live. To really live and to care about life and myself. I no longer take my health for granted, nor do I let the world around me just pass me by. I intend to get out there and experience life before I die, and to live each day to its fullest because you never know when you won't have a tomorrow. I say what I want to say, do what I want to do. I no longer let those moments pass me bye, because you may never get another chance. I don't hold a grudge and forgive because its in my nature. There is a freedom that comes with forgiveness. It not only helps those who are asking for it to move on but it is also freeing. I choose to let people into my heart and I choose to care. If I'm hurt because of it then its partly my fault for choosing to care. I love everyone in my life.

The Future is Beautiful

I have a lot of future projects that I would like to do and would like to post some of the pictures and the like here but can't narrow it down at the moment so I will try tomorrow to get some of the pic's downloaded and edit this post.
Love and Light
Tracey

This Weeks Knits

I have some lovely projects that I'm working on. My passion is knitting right now but being the creative person that I am that may change in the future. As you can see from past posts knitting hasn't always been my obsession. I usually rotate through different crafts and do different things. Right now though I'm knitting and I love it.

I moved to Australia in the beginning of December to be with my fiance after 2 years of online dating. I've left everything behind, all my craft stuff. Some of it I boxed up to be sent over later and some I have to my mother and my sister to use and keep. My mother knits and quilts and my sister cross stitches. I hope they can make use of my huge stash. I have been collecting craft stuff for so many years that they should have plenty to keep them busy for a while now.

I'm making 2 projects right now, and though I've had to frog them a couple of times, they are coming along nicely. Slowly but nicely. My first project is a blanket for this lovely lady. She is my fiance Peter's baby and is very special to him. She is a lovely kitty with a calico body and a cute tiger striped face. Though she does have a touchy temper and a very unique personality. I think she is rather beautiful though. Her blanket is a mesh of two washcloth designs from www.knittingknonsense.com. Kate the Cat Cloth and Cat's Paw are the two I used to make Tamika's blanket. I did it in two parts and if I get permission from the author i will post my pattern here. I knitted it into 8 squares the cat then paw, cat then paw on the bottom, and paw then cat, paw then cat on the top with some knits around the edges and between the squares for boarders and as I said I did it in two sections cause I only had straight needles. When I post the pattern I will try to put in up so it can be knitted on circular needles.

I chose a lovely pink 4 tone yarn that is close to what Peter says is Tamika's color. He wanted straight hot pink but I'm having trouble finding craft supplies here in town. I'm having to order most everything that I want online at the moment. I hope that will change in the future though as I would love to just pick a project, go to the store and find what I want for that project and take it home that very day.

I got the idea for a pet blanket for Tamika while I was hunting through the lovely patterns on Raverly. They have so many fun things, not to mention groups you can join with like minded people in then who share you addiction...I mean passion and creativity. Just google Raverly to find the site, join up and start knitting and talking the very same day. The cat blanket I originally wanted to do was one that was a solid color of garter stitch with knits around the edge and a cat face with whiskers and pretty glass eyes in one corner, but the pattern was in Chinese and I couldn't understand it so I started fishing through things trying to come up with something for the Meek a girl as that was what I was keen on at the time. I found first the kitty washcloth pattern and then the one for the paw and al presto chango a Tamika blanket was born. When I post my modified pattern on here I will also throw up original photo's by the designer so you can really see what the pattern is suppose to look like, as doing this in a variegated yarn has made the pattern very hard to see with the naked eye let alone in a picture. Though I think its just lovely just the same and it reminds me of her fur.

The second project I'm working on is a scarf for me. The Irish Hiking Scarf by Adrian Bizillia. Her website is www.hellowyarn.com and she has some very lovely patterns. This patter and others are also available free on the Raverly site. How I found the pattern is kinda fun and though it is almost 2 years late for the Kal/Cal it was originally knitted for I thought I would do it anyway as I love love love cables. They are so much fun to do. I'm doing this one in a deep purple so the stitches are a bit hard to see at times with the lighting I'm forced to use at this time and I've had to frog twice so far but I'm not giving up. it is a lovely pattern and I'm determined to get it right. I am really enjoying knitting it though, or trying to knit it I should say. Its been so long since I've done cables but oh boy am I having fun with them.

I am teaching my fiance how to knit, well trying to, because its relaxing and he needs that right now. He also finds the process rather fascinating and I love sharing things I love with people. He catches on so fast and one of these days a week I will show his progress and talk about how well he is doing if he is still sticking it out and the like. I hope he does, he picked it up rather fast and it would be fun to maybe make a blanket or something with him. Each of us making a squares and then we form them into an Afghan in the end. I've suggested this but after my showing him how interested I am in cables I think he got a little intimidated. I will have to let him cool a little and then try to pull him back in, if I can.

I started a knitting journal and I'm rather proud of it, I thought it was a great idea as I don't have access to a printer right now so I can't print my patterns off and it gets rather annoying to have to check the computer screen every couple of rows to make sure that I'm doing them write. I can also add notes on my little tweeks so that I can post them at a later date on the Raverly site and here on my blog. Anything to make a pattern easier to work is a big fat plus in my book.

Ah well that is a week in the life of my lovely projects. Next week will see more goodies and probably some of the same but farther along or finished. We will just have to see. Until tomorrow have a great night and happy knitting.

Love and Light

Tracey

Interesting Beginnings

I'm starting a new blog series this week and hope to continue it throughout the weeks to come. Creating things is something that I have a passion for and its nice to be able to post one's work somewhere for others to see and take inspiration from. I also have two other blogs that I'm working on a writing blog and a spiritual blog. I hope to post on all 3 of these blogs at least 6 days a week with new information and new creations of mine as well as things that I find inspirational. This is a big commitment for me as I rarely write anything lately. I've also committed to writing in my journal everyday. I hope that I can keep these commitments.

My schedule is:
Monday - This Week's Knits
Tuesday - The Future is Beautiful
Wednesday - Newbies Please
Thursday - My Hand at Teaching
Friday - Forum's Fun
Saturday - Pattern Tweaks

My other blogs are:
http://midnightwolf75.blogspot.com
http://aspiritualjourny.blogspot.com

Well see you all tomorrow.
Love and Light
Tracey

Back on the planet...maybe.

Wow, its been a couple years since I've been here. I have a hard time believing that my last post was the breakup of my husband and I over two years ago. I will give a cliff notes version of what has happened to me in the past two years and see how that goes.

After my husband and I split up we didn't talk for almost a year until I bit the bullet and told him that I accept him no matter what and if he can get over the hurt feelings and anger I would love to be friends with him. It took him a while and I'm not sure he is completely over it but we are on pretty good terms right now. We do sit and talk and both of us are doing well and are much better off being friends then spouses.

I lived with my folks for the past two years and tried to get on my feet and out on my own. I had a job at Wal-mart for a while and I loved it dearly. I was a cashier and the people were so fun. It felt so good to get out of the house everyday and taking care of myself, being able to buy the things I need and standing on my own two feet.

In November of 09' I had to quit my job because I was having a lot of abdominal pain and I collapsed at work. I spent from Nov to Feb in a lot of pain and so nauseous I could never keep my food down. Finally the hospital admitted me and I had surgery the end of February on my stomach. I spent two weeks in the hospital trying to recover and ended up losing a lot of blood. It took a while for them to stabilize me and send me home finally the beginning of March. (I can't believe that was a year ago now). It took a long time and a lot of pain before I was stable again and able to do things for myself at home.

(recap) This is the 3rd major surgery I've had on my stomach since '04. I was in a really bad car accident. A couple young kids weren't paying attention to what they were doing and they ran a red light doing 85 and totaled my car in Texas. I was there for a dentist apt the next day and my family sent me early and rented me a motel I got in a bit late that night as the apt was suppose to be 9:30am the next day. That car accident changed my life. You never know what may happen to you or how short life can be until something like this happens to you. My first surgery was in El Peso. The second one was in Lubbock and the third surgery was in Carlsbad NM. I pray that I will never have another but you never know.

I met a man in all this time and have been seeing him pretty steady for the past couple years now. I did meet him pretty fast after my husband and I broke up, but after the 3 and 1/2 years of neglect and abuse it was very nice to find someone who loves me for me. We have our problems but everyone does because no two people are alike but we are good together.

Now I'm in Australia and about to be married again. I think I might be crazy to be honest but its a good kinda crazy right now. We waited for 2 years to be sure that this was what we really wanted. I have been here in Perth Australia for 4 months now, and we will be getting married sooner then planned so I can stay in the country with him but it is so worth it. Its not easy finding someone who loves you for you, is interested in what your interested in and wants to be with you, take care of you and love you till your old and gray. He also knows more about me then anyone else ever has and I can be myself around him, fully and completely and I've never had that. Its a great feeling.

Being the really creative person that I am has been hard lately though as I'm just getting settled in over here and have had to give up a lot of my things and buy them anew over here, or wait for a time that I can send some of my things over here, mother is keeping a lot of it. I kinda spin my creative wheels and not get anywhere.

I have been doing some drawing and some writing but haven't gotten anything posted and I don't have a scanner so I can't put up the newer art work. Right now I'm also knitting and having a blast with it. I have 4 sets of needles right now and about 5 balls of yarn but its a start. I did get to get on eBay yesterday and order some new needles and a bit of yarn so that will add to my joy when it gets here. I can't believe how much I took my crafts and hobbies for granted when I had all I needed. The move has been worth it but it does make one think.

Religiously I'm settling in too, working on making friends and getting used to the new wheel of the year in the southern hemisphere. Its all very very interesting and feels strange to but it also feels like I've been living here for the whole of my life or atleast the last half of it. Its a very bazaar feeling to tell the truth, but its also nice.

Anyway more later on all of this action, I have 3 blogs and I hope I can keep up with all 3 of them, but then again I have nothing to do but spend time with my fiance as I'm not allowed to work right now. More on everything later.

Hugs Love and Light

Tracey

New Mexico's News of the Week.

This week was so crazy that I don't think I will ever calm down from it. Right after I posted my blog for last week. Michael and I got into a huge fight. The things we fought about were issues that were never dealt with over our 3 year relationship. I would bring them up and try to deal with them but he kept blowing me off. I would talk until I was blue in the face and none of it would phase him. Its actually maddening to tell the truth.
Before we moved back to New Mexico to live with mom and dad, we got into a huge fight about his online addiction. Its not a healthy addiction and it has driven a wedge between us that I don't think the best of architects could hope to bridge. He was doing things online that he should not doing and I kept telling him that if he felt guilty about it then it was probably something that he shouldn't be doing. He would sit and listen to me while I talked and it would go in one ear and out the other. Then he would act like nothing happened at all the next day and like it was just another day. He would love on me a bit and go about his business, and I would be standing here going what the hell do I do now.
Things had to come to a head eventually though and they did last week. He has told me more then once that he doesn't love me, that he is only with me because I can't take care of myself. What the hell is that to tell someone, first you want them to be dependent on you and then when they are you tell them something like that. I have always been independent and a free thinker and I broke down after our miscarriage and became completely dependant on him. I believe he resented me for it. There were more bazaar things that happened over our 3 hour conversation that I will not go into. Needless to say he scared me so badly that I kicked him out of my room and my parents kicked him out of the house. I tried to talk him into going back to Kansas to live with his sister and mother, and at first he was reluctant, but he did get on a bus to Kansas two days ago. He called me to let me know that he did make it there yesterday. That was a tense call. I'm still uncomfortable around him.
I have him two conditions for us to stay together. One was for him to give up what he was doing on line and the other was to get help. He has said he will give up the bad things that he was doing online but that he will not go see someone to get help for his condition. So until he does I really don't want anything to do with him. I'm not sure I will want something to do with him anyway. The last three years have been very hard on my emotions and I really don't know if I want to put myself threw all that again.
Its so hard when you love someone with all your being because it tends to blow up in your face. He was my whole world and I quit literally can not function without him. I went 4 days without a hairbrush because I couldn't not find it. He always did that stuff for me. That was a good thing he did I guess. I never had to worry about things, but then again if I don't do things for myself and get back out into the world I will be a closet case for the rest of my life and I really don't like that. My emotions are so raw from crying storms of pain and numbness that I feel completely drained. I still have crying fits out of the blue but mostly I'm numb right now.
Scylya has been a wonderful distraction for me. He is always there, he listens to me when I cry and rant and break down. He makes me smile when I didn't think I could. It feels good to know that someone really, truly genuinely cares about me. He is my rock right now and I told him so. He knows everything about me and it feels good to be excepted like that with no strings, no qualms, nothing to hide.
I did get a good nights sleep last night. The first I've had in over a week. I had been sleeping maybe 3 to 4 hours a night and fitful sleep at that. I slept for 10 hours and it was so peaceful. I woke up feeling good for the first time in a long time, though it is cold here today so my arthritis is hurting me alot. I had to take something for it. I do feel more centered though and grounded. Not so fly away with my emotions.
At Weight watchers this week I lost 3.4 lbs, which was a surprise because I didn't expect to loose any. I didn't have a bad week I just didn't stick to the program at all really. And I didn't work out all week. I guess its because I didn't have an appetite last week so I didn't eat much. That's not the way to go about it but oh well.
I do feel stronger today so I'm gonna hit the bike and the strength training today. I'm actually looking forward to it. I don't want a Barbe body but I want to be fit, and healthy. I want to take care of myself and make sure that no matter what happens I can live a long and healthy life, weather with someone that I love or alone. I'm gonna be here for a long time. I'm only 33 years old so I do have time to do the things I want to do.
Before Mike and I split though I had been drawing again and having fun with it. I believe that would be a good outlet for my feelings right now. I had him dig out all my old art work and we bought a printer/scanner so I could scan my artwork and get it up. I did and the pics are now on my my space page.I could post a couple here though. Now these are just pencil sketches and each of them has a history heh. This one I redid in 2005 while I worked for the connection, before I met Mike. This image I found on a plastic gold coin that was about 15 and I expanded on it and made it what it is now. In 98 or 99 I had a boyfriend that was a controlling freak and I got pregnant by that boyfriend. He told me that the baby wasn't his and that I was cheating on him because we had been together for four years without me ever getting pregnant. I told him that if he actually thought that then he needed to leave because I have never been unfaithful and I never would be to anyone that I will love in the future. He got very angry and vandalized my art notebook distorting the original of this picture along with everything else I had ever drawn. I still have all the images and have revamped alot of them and redone them from scratch. As you can see I do well with pencil sketch, I'm currently working on getting into different mediums which I think I will continue to do now that I feel a bit more on an even kilter now. I have always wanted to learn how to use water color paints and different mediums. I do love oil pants though, that is a fun medium to work with.
Most everything that I have done is pencil sketch right now though, I don't have anything of the paintings I have done in the past. So I guess it will be pencil sketches for a time. I would love to learn to ink my work so that it will look bolder but I guess that is something I can work on also. This picture to my left is another piece that he ruined and made a comeback. I really like this one, and I do have a different version of the nightmare stallion in a different art book that I will have to find that shows his dark side. I believe I will break out the colored pencils and rework some of the lines or upload it to paintshop and play with some of the features there, that may be fun. Just to see what I could do with it and how it would come out if it was colored up some. Wow now I feel like drawing again, which is good because I haven't done anything in a week or so. Not since Mike and I split. I have been kinda wallowing in my own misery which is understandable but its time I got back up and back out in the real world. Well I guess that is quite enough for one bog post. I really need to get my workout in before I get back into WoW today. I have been being teased alot since Mike and I split, everyone picking on me about finding a rebound guy and my goodness there are so many of them that want to be that guy for me. I find it funny, I have gone from having no loving affection to having to much hehe. It does mean alot to me that they care that much about me. Even though I'm just a little character on a screen to them, they love me for who I am and that means alot to me. It makes me smile.
Well I'm gonna stop here and go work out I will post more next week, maybe get the two images I posted here today up in paint shop and re post the tweaking. Ah well we will see what happens because I'm not so sure of what I'm going to do at all at this point. I'm sorta flying by the seat of my pants and doing what I feel like doing.
Tracey