Before we moved back to New Mexico to live with mom and dad, we got into a huge fight about his online addiction. Its not a healthy addiction and it has driven a wedge between us that I don't think the best of architects could hope to bridge. He was doing things online that he should not doing and I kept telling him that if he felt guilty about it then it was probably something that he shouldn't be doing. He would sit and listen to me while I talked and it would go in one ear and out the other. Then he would act like nothing happened at all the next day and like it was just another day. He would love on me a bit and go about his business, and I would be standing here going what the hell do I do now.
Things had to come to a head eventually though and they did last week. He has told me more then once that he doesn't love me, that he is only with me because I can't take care of myself. What the hell is that to tell someone, first you want them to be dependent on you and then when they are you tell them something like that. I have always been independent and a free thinker and I broke down after our miscarriage and became completely dependant on him. I believe he resented me for it. There were more bazaar things that happened over our 3 hour conversation that I will not go into. Needless to say he scared me so badly that I kicked him out of my room and my parents kicked him out of the house. I tried to talk him into going back to Kansas to live with his sister and mother, and at first he was reluctant, but he did get on a bus to Kansas two days ago. He called me to let me know that he did make it there yesterday. That was a tense call. I'm still uncomfortable around him.
I have him two conditions for us to stay together. One was for him to give up what he was doing on line and the other was to get help. He has said he will give up the bad things that he was doing online but that he will not go see someone to get help for his condition. So until he does I really don't want anything to do with him. I'm not sure I will want something to do with him anyway. The last three years have been very hard on my emotions and I really don't know if I want to put myself threw all that again.
Its so hard when you love someone with all your being because it tends to blow up in your face. He was my whole world and I quit literally can not function without him. I went 4 days without a hairbrush because I couldn't not find it. He always did that stuff for me. That was a good thing he did I guess. I never had to worry about things, but then again if I don't do things for myself and get back out into the world I will be a closet case for the rest of my life and I really don't like that. My emotions are so raw from crying storms of pain and numbness that I feel completely drained. I still have crying fits out of the blue but mostly I'm numb right now.
Scylya has been a wonderful distraction for me. He is always there, he listens to me when I cry and rant and break down. He makes me smile when I didn't think I could. It feels good to know that someone really, truly genuinely cares about me. He is my rock right now and I told him so. He knows everything about me and it feels good to be excepted like that with no strings, no qualms, nothing to hide.
I did get a good nights sleep last night. The first I've had in over a week. I had been sleeping maybe 3 to 4 hours a night and fitful sleep at that. I slept for 10 hours and it was so peaceful. I woke up feeling good for the first time in a long time, though it is cold here today so my arthritis is hurting me alot. I had to take something for it. I do feel more centered though and grounded. Not so fly away with my emotions.
At Weight watchers this week I lost 3.4 lbs, which was a surprise because I didn't expect to loose any. I didn't have a bad week I just didn't stick to the program at all really. And I didn't work out all week. I guess its because I didn't have an appetite last week so I didn't eat much. That's not the way to go about it but oh well.
I do feel stronger today so I'm gonna hit the bike and the strength training today. I'm actually looking forward to it. I don't want a Barbe body but I want to be fit, and healthy. I want to take care of myself and make sure that no matter what happens I can live a long and healthy life, weather with someone that I love or alone. I'm gonna be here for a long time. I'm only 33 years old so I do have time to do the things I want to do.
Before Mike and I split though I had been drawing again and having fun with it. I believe that would be a good outlet for my feelings right now. I had him dig out all my old art work and we bought a printer/scanner so I could scan my artwork and get it up. I did and the pics are now on my my space page.I could post a couple here though. Now these are just pencil sketches and each of them has a history heh. This one I redid in 2005 while I worked for the connection, before I met Mike. This image I found on a plastic gold coin that was about 15 and I expanded on it and made it what it is now. In 98 or 99 I had a boyfriend that was a controlling freak and I got pregnant by that boyfriend. He told me that the baby wasn't his and that I was cheating on him because we had been together for four years without me ever getting pregnant. I told him that if he actually thought that then he needed to leave because I have never been unfaithful and I never would be to anyone that I will love in the future. He got very angry and vandalized my art notebook distorting the original of this picture along with everything else I had ever drawn. I still have all the images and have revamped alot of them and redone them from scratch. As you can see I do well with pencil sketch, I'm currently working on getting into different mediums which I think I will continue to do now that I feel a bit more on an even kilter now. I have always wanted to learn how to use water color paints and different mediums. I do love oil pants though, that is a fun medium to work with.Most everything that I have done is pencil sketch right no
w though, I don't have anything of the paintings I have done in the past. So I guess it will be pencil sketches for a time. I would love to learn to ink my work so that it will look bolder but I guess that is something I can work on also. This picture to my left is another piece that he ruined and made a comeback. I really like this one, and I do have a different version of the nightmare stallion in a different art book that I will have to find that shows his dark side. I believe I will break out the colored pencils and rework some of the lines or upload it to paintshop and play with some of the features there, that may be fun. Just to see what I could do with it and how it would come out if it was colored up some. Wow now I feel like drawing again, which is good because I haven't done anything in a week or so. Not since Mike and I split. I have been kinda wallowing in my own misery which is understandable but its time I got back up and back out in the real world. Well I guess that is quite enough for one bog post. I really need to get my workout in before I get back into WoW today. I have been being teased alot since Mike and I split, everyone picking on me about finding a rebound guy and my goodness there are so many of them that want to be that guy for me. I find it funny, I have gone from having no loving affection to having to much hehe. It does mean alot to me that they care that much about me. Even though I'm just a little character on a screen to them, they love me for who I am and that means alot to me. It makes me smile.Well I'm gonna stop here and go work out I will post more next week, maybe get the two images I posted here today up in paint shop and re post the tweaking. Ah well we will see what happens because I'm not so sure of what I'm going to do at all at this point. I'm sorta flying by the seat of my pants and doing what I feel like doing.
Tracey
