New Mexico's News of the Week.

This week was so crazy that I don't think I will ever calm down from it. Right after I posted my blog for last week. Michael and I got into a huge fight. The things we fought about were issues that were never dealt with over our 3 year relationship. I would bring them up and try to deal with them but he kept blowing me off. I would talk until I was blue in the face and none of it would phase him. Its actually maddening to tell the truth.
Before we moved back to New Mexico to live with mom and dad, we got into a huge fight about his online addiction. Its not a healthy addiction and it has driven a wedge between us that I don't think the best of architects could hope to bridge. He was doing things online that he should not doing and I kept telling him that if he felt guilty about it then it was probably something that he shouldn't be doing. He would sit and listen to me while I talked and it would go in one ear and out the other. Then he would act like nothing happened at all the next day and like it was just another day. He would love on me a bit and go about his business, and I would be standing here going what the hell do I do now.
Things had to come to a head eventually though and they did last week. He has told me more then once that he doesn't love me, that he is only with me because I can't take care of myself. What the hell is that to tell someone, first you want them to be dependent on you and then when they are you tell them something like that. I have always been independent and a free thinker and I broke down after our miscarriage and became completely dependant on him. I believe he resented me for it. There were more bazaar things that happened over our 3 hour conversation that I will not go into. Needless to say he scared me so badly that I kicked him out of my room and my parents kicked him out of the house. I tried to talk him into going back to Kansas to live with his sister and mother, and at first he was reluctant, but he did get on a bus to Kansas two days ago. He called me to let me know that he did make it there yesterday. That was a tense call. I'm still uncomfortable around him.
I have him two conditions for us to stay together. One was for him to give up what he was doing on line and the other was to get help. He has said he will give up the bad things that he was doing online but that he will not go see someone to get help for his condition. So until he does I really don't want anything to do with him. I'm not sure I will want something to do with him anyway. The last three years have been very hard on my emotions and I really don't know if I want to put myself threw all that again.
Its so hard when you love someone with all your being because it tends to blow up in your face. He was my whole world and I quit literally can not function without him. I went 4 days without a hairbrush because I couldn't not find it. He always did that stuff for me. That was a good thing he did I guess. I never had to worry about things, but then again if I don't do things for myself and get back out into the world I will be a closet case for the rest of my life and I really don't like that. My emotions are so raw from crying storms of pain and numbness that I feel completely drained. I still have crying fits out of the blue but mostly I'm numb right now.
Scylya has been a wonderful distraction for me. He is always there, he listens to me when I cry and rant and break down. He makes me smile when I didn't think I could. It feels good to know that someone really, truly genuinely cares about me. He is my rock right now and I told him so. He knows everything about me and it feels good to be excepted like that with no strings, no qualms, nothing to hide.
I did get a good nights sleep last night. The first I've had in over a week. I had been sleeping maybe 3 to 4 hours a night and fitful sleep at that. I slept for 10 hours and it was so peaceful. I woke up feeling good for the first time in a long time, though it is cold here today so my arthritis is hurting me alot. I had to take something for it. I do feel more centered though and grounded. Not so fly away with my emotions.
At Weight watchers this week I lost 3.4 lbs, which was a surprise because I didn't expect to loose any. I didn't have a bad week I just didn't stick to the program at all really. And I didn't work out all week. I guess its because I didn't have an appetite last week so I didn't eat much. That's not the way to go about it but oh well.
I do feel stronger today so I'm gonna hit the bike and the strength training today. I'm actually looking forward to it. I don't want a Barbe body but I want to be fit, and healthy. I want to take care of myself and make sure that no matter what happens I can live a long and healthy life, weather with someone that I love or alone. I'm gonna be here for a long time. I'm only 33 years old so I do have time to do the things I want to do.
Before Mike and I split though I had been drawing again and having fun with it. I believe that would be a good outlet for my feelings right now. I had him dig out all my old art work and we bought a printer/scanner so I could scan my artwork and get it up. I did and the pics are now on my my space page.I could post a couple here though. Now these are just pencil sketches and each of them has a history heh. This one I redid in 2005 while I worked for the connection, before I met Mike. This image I found on a plastic gold coin that was about 15 and I expanded on it and made it what it is now. In 98 or 99 I had a boyfriend that was a controlling freak and I got pregnant by that boyfriend. He told me that the baby wasn't his and that I was cheating on him because we had been together for four years without me ever getting pregnant. I told him that if he actually thought that then he needed to leave because I have never been unfaithful and I never would be to anyone that I will love in the future. He got very angry and vandalized my art notebook distorting the original of this picture along with everything else I had ever drawn. I still have all the images and have revamped alot of them and redone them from scratch. As you can see I do well with pencil sketch, I'm currently working on getting into different mediums which I think I will continue to do now that I feel a bit more on an even kilter now. I have always wanted to learn how to use water color paints and different mediums. I do love oil pants though, that is a fun medium to work with.
Most everything that I have done is pencil sketch right now though, I don't have anything of the paintings I have done in the past. So I guess it will be pencil sketches for a time. I would love to learn to ink my work so that it will look bolder but I guess that is something I can work on also. This picture to my left is another piece that he ruined and made a comeback. I really like this one, and I do have a different version of the nightmare stallion in a different art book that I will have to find that shows his dark side. I believe I will break out the colored pencils and rework some of the lines or upload it to paintshop and play with some of the features there, that may be fun. Just to see what I could do with it and how it would come out if it was colored up some. Wow now I feel like drawing again, which is good because I haven't done anything in a week or so. Not since Mike and I split. I have been kinda wallowing in my own misery which is understandable but its time I got back up and back out in the real world. Well I guess that is quite enough for one bog post. I really need to get my workout in before I get back into WoW today. I have been being teased alot since Mike and I split, everyone picking on me about finding a rebound guy and my goodness there are so many of them that want to be that guy for me. I find it funny, I have gone from having no loving affection to having to much hehe. It does mean alot to me that they care that much about me. Even though I'm just a little character on a screen to them, they love me for who I am and that means alot to me. It makes me smile.
Well I'm gonna stop here and go work out I will post more next week, maybe get the two images I posted here today up in paint shop and re post the tweaking. Ah well we will see what happens because I'm not so sure of what I'm going to do at all at this point. I'm sorta flying by the seat of my pants and doing what I feel like doing.
Tracey

Second sometimes are not as good as the firsts.

Well last week was better then this week. Though I did have a good week mentally, when it came to the weight loss front I didn't do so well. I gained 1.2 lbs. The reason for this was that I wasn't eating enough food. I didn't get all of my points in for the week. My goal this week is to eat every single point and to walk at least 20 minutes a day and we will see how that goes.
My mother blames herself for this in part because when we went camping she did the shopping and she shopped for her points value for the days that we were gone, not mine so we really didn't have enough food. I blame myself because I wasn't awake to go with her to help pick out the food, I feel that if I had gone things would of been different.
We did have a great time though. I believe that traveling and camping, if you have to do it, should be done in an RV. It was a very nice experience for me. I had so much fun. Mom and I talked about everything under the sun, we had such long great conversations. I really enjoyed it. We went up to Anthony NM because her hydraulics system was leaking and they told her that if she brought it to them to fix it would only be a $50 deductible so we packed up the RV and went to RV World to get it fixed. They also fixed some other things on the RV while we were there and mom went shopping and bought a bike for when she goes RVing and can't get around cause once you park an RV in a park it is meant to stay there until you are ready to either go home or move onto the next park.
Mom plans to take the RV to go see my brother over spring break here in about 3 weeks and she would love for me to go with her but since I have been having trouble with my heart she wanted to see how I would handle it. I think I did fine though my heart did bother me one day while we were up there. I so want to go with her and am hoping when I go see my doctor it won't be anything to bad and I can go with her. She will be one 12 days. Michael isn't looking forward to it if I get to go though, he isn't use to being separated from me at all.
I do have a doctors appointment today at 10:45 am. I am going to see a female doctor at the new clinic here as the doctor I wanted to go see is currently full up and not excepting new patients. I really wanted her because my mother says she is a great doctor and that she really listens to what is wrong with her patients and tries her best to help them. I'm very scared, and ashamed, I don't want people seeing me the way I am right now. I weigh to much for my own good and though I am working on getting it off it still bothers me when I have to be seen by other people. I'm always wondering what they are thinking when they see me and are they sneering at me. Its really nerve racking and belittling to my self esteem. I know I really shouldn't care what others think of me but its hard not to.
I am so grateful for my mother, without her I don't think I could face the world. She is my rock right now, and my shelter. When I think I can't do something she is there encouraging me all the while to never give up.
I am gathering information so that I can file for disability. That is the other reason I'm going to the doctor other then my heart bothering me. I have to have surgery in the future to remove these hernias and I am going to need coverage, also if there is something seriously wrong with my heart it is best to be covered then to suffer. My mother is terrified that it is something serious, that is another reason why she wants me to get checked out. She doesn't want me to go to Idaho with her to see my brother and then drop dead of a heart attack in the middle of no where. I'm going to the doc to get some answers and to see what is wrong with me. I guess we will see.
Well that is enough for one week, I will post more next Wednesday.
Hugs, Love and Light
Tracey
P.S. I am not getting any stitching done at all I have to much on my plate to worry about right now. Hopefully in the near future I can take that up again.

Setteling in and getting back into the swing.

Life has been crazy lately. My husband Michael and I made it safely to my mother and fathers in Carlsbad and we are settling in, but things aren't always easy. That being the lesson that I have been learning over the past few years.
There is a shortage of jobs here and with the Ash pot mines laying of hundreds of people and Circuit's city going out of business there is a shortage of jobs here, not to mention we are going threw a housing shortage as well. So it looks like my Dh and I will be with my parents for a while. That will be tough as both couples are use to having their privacy and space. Though mother and I are very happy to be near each other again, and Dh said we will live where ever my mother ends up that way we will always be close. I love that idea.
I want to thank Carla and Rhonda for sending me fabric. Bless both of you, though I don't remember sending out two emails with my mothers address on it, man that was one crazy week. I'm sorry if I upset either of you by having both of you send fabric to be. I do apologize for the mistake. I would like to repay the both of you if I can. I have some old cross stitch magazines with some lovely patterns in them and I would like to find out if I can send you copies of the patterns, as I don't have floss or fabric or anything that I can send back. My stitching will be limited to what I have. Once I can get those patterns copied I will send you both some which I hope to be soon. Thank you both again, you made my day when I saw those packages.
Now to something that has been bothering me a lot. Since 4 days ago, I have been having heart palpitations and I don't know why. My heart thumps painfully and I'm short on breath a lot and am dizzy some of the time. As soon as my Dh gets his first pay check we are going to the doctor, as the hospital do to the failing economy is no good for help right now. I will just have to wait and be careful but I got to tell you it is scaring the life out of me. I don't know what to make of it. I have done nothing out of the ordinary that I can think of.
Dh did get a job today, he is going to be working for a convenience store again but this time he will be working over 40 hours a week which will be nice. I am refiling for disability and I know that will take time but it needs to be done, especially if I'm going to start having heart troubles.
I will admit that I have done no stitching since I arrived here though I plan on doing some real soon. I hope to have some new pictures and a new update very soon. I will keep you all posted as to my condition and how things are fairing with me as time goes on and I hope to catch up on my mail and see how everyone is doing.
Until next time
Hugs, Love and Light
Tracey